FOR MY DAD

What do you write about someone that was everything to you? That is what keeps repeating in my head over, and over. It’s tough to know where to begin, but I will try.

On April 3rd of this year, roughly two months ago, I received news that would change my life. It would put an end to my hope of mending a complicated relationship, and would crush my longing of reuniting with someone who meant so much to me.

His name is Kevin, he was my dad, and this is for him.

Growing up, I was a sensitive, empathic child. My feelings often felt overbearing, and I remember physically wishing that I could “feel less”. I truly hated those parts of me. Although I was blessed with a large, loving family, I often felt out of place — and, quite frankly, very different. This began when I was a child, carried on throughout high school, and even stayed with me in my adult life. I will get back to why this is of significance.

Although I never lived with my dad, we remained extremely close. He lived in a different city than I for most of my life, but we rarely went longer than 5 weeks without seeing each other. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood involve our outdoor adventures together. Something to know about him — he loved the outdoors. We went kayaking in the Pacific, whale watching in Seattle, and explored caves (yes, caves) all along the West coast. I still have albums upon albums filled with joyous moments of our adventures together. Saying goodbye to him after these adventures always proved to be difficult, and often came with tears from both of us. However, knowing what adventures we had to look forward to in the future always made it a little easier.

When I wasn’t flying or driving to see him, we were talking for hours on the phone together. I specifically remember calling him after my first high school break up. I was devastated, heartbroken, and desperately needed to be reminded of my worth. I was 16, and it felt like my world was ending. This is what my dad was best at. He could talk me out of my saddest moments, and always managed to make me feel as though everything was going to be okay. He was the best listener, an incredible writer, and had the biggest heart I’ve ever known.

Remember when I talked about those things about myself that I hated? This is where I come back to explain.

Growing up I wanted to be loved the way I was. I didn't want to feel wrong for crying when I was overwhelmed, or for needing a little extra time alone to be with my thoughts. I was continually called “too soft”. My dad understood why I was the way that I was, because he was the same. He, too, was a sensitive, empathic person. We bonded deeply over this, and had hours upon hours of conversations on these very topics. I can’t begin to explain what it meant to me to have someone in my life talk me out of my biggest insecurity. He made me feel like I was perfect the way I was — something that I think every little girl needs to hear. He made me feel like the most loved human being on the planet. As a child who craved that love, this was everything to me.

I often wonder what my life would have turned out like if I never had him in my life at all. It is painful for me to think about, as it was my dad who talked me through of some of my darkest moments. He made me feel understood. And again, loved beyond measure. Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same. He understood me, and I understood him.

I was 14 when I saw him last. I didn't know that was going to be the case at the time. Although we never saw each other in person since, we were still very much connected by phone, and talked often. As I mentioned before, he was there for me through it all. This changed approximately four years ago. The communication changed, for reasons that I didn't understand at the time, but do now.

I would give anything for just one more day with him. One more hour. I always pictured the day we would reunite after all of these years, and what that hug would feel like. Although it brings a deep sadness knowing I won’t ever get that hug in this life, there is peace in knowing he is no longer in pain.

to my dad:

Thank you. For everything. I am still here because of you. I love the way I do because of you. You taught me lessons in this life that I will never take for granted. You showed me what it looks like to love, and instilled in me the idea that I really can achieve anything I want in this life. I will forever cherish the moments we spent together, and will make sure those important to me know how incredible of a dad you were to me. Thank you for always giving me an endless amount of reasons to love every part of myself.

Those parts of me I used to hate? I think they’re my favourite now.

I love you, with my whole heart.

- Brittany

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